The End.

I tried to do it again last night. 

I couldn't help it. And the worst part is that I don't regret it yet. 

I grew up in a house with people that can come across as a very loving, typical family. You've got the dad trying to live through his children, the mom that just comes home, cleans, and keeps her mouth shut, the teenage girl who thinks she'd be happy anywhere but here, the boy that is letting his dad live through him, the 7 year old genius, and the cute little girl. But little do people know that the dad is verbally abusive and sometimes physically but thinks it's justified, the mom who tries to speak her mind and is always screamed at until she  has to keep her mouth shut, the boy letting his father live through him literally could not care less about the way he's being forced to live his life and is becoming incredibly hard to be around, and the teenage girl would rather end it then be around it anymore. 

These past couple days have made me realize how completely and totally worthless my existence is. I'm a fat, unattractive teenager that can't figure out her place in this stupid town. 

The way my family talks about me, too. They talk like I'm a horrible kid and they would do anything to get rid of me. I'm just some huge disappointment. Something I can't fucking fix.

I have more respect for the people that hate me now.  They had a damn good reason that I was too fucking stupid to understand. I used to believe that people cared about me. People forget that people tell me what people say behind my back. They think I have no clue. But I do. And it makes me feel like shit. But I brought it on myself, i guess.

Waking up hurts. It physically hurts to wake up and have to pretend that nothing's wrong. And I feel so incredibly selfish for thinking I deserve a break. I hate myself and I hate this person I've become. 

I'm not going to do anything about it anytime soon, but I still can't stop thinking about it.

I'm sorry.