Funny how a stupid tweet can fix it. 

Fuck you, you narcissistic asshole. How could you think you were so good? You're an untalented, ugly, piece of shit. I hate you so much. I hate you more than I can put into words. I can't stand being around you anymore, you've turned into somebody that i don't know. I hate you. You're such a hypocritical bitch, too. I don't know why you think you're so special. You think all these people love when everyone really just hates you. Everyone. And I've tried to tell you that's thousand times, but you didn't want to listen. Because you're so fucking stupid, you're in this situation now. You can try to fix it all you want, but nothing's going to change. You're a fuck up. Deep down, you've always known. But, I'm here to tell you that you should have trusted your instincts, you piece of shit. Fuck you. 

A letter to myself. 

I never realize how much I like him until he's gone. 

i never payed much attention to abandoned buildings until i became one

Looking For Alaska

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinkin that if people were rain, I was a drizzle and she was a hurricane." 

"Their relationship consists in discussing if it existed." -Thom Gunn

The Talk

If you want to talk to me about it, talk to me about it.

Because you avoiding the topic is getting old. And, for your information: Just because I don't bring it up, doesn't mean I was lying.

You know, I always get accused of that. And I promise you that I am not. I leave things out, but am I really supposed to tell you everything when I know that you are going to act like this?

Making jokes about suicide and complaining to everyone that you got a daughter that you didn't want is getting old.

We can talk about fun things. Like how i would cut myself so much that my entire wrist was red and scratched and Walker was the only person to notice.

But, it could be more fun if we break out my collections of suicide notes. Those are fun to talk about. Let's do it over dinner to reminisce about this life i would give anything to forget about.

Well, the joke is on you. I'm finally at the point that I am just living to die. I have officially gotten out of my stupid phase of thinking I was different. I'm not. I wasn't meant to be here. Not here. Not now.

Someone told me that God didn't make any mistakes. But, that's not true.

They just haven't found me yet.

I want my parents to be at my funeral. 

Jackson.

You fuckhead. 

What doesn't kill you keeps you up at night wishing that it had. 

Role of a Lifetime

Everything's an act, 
When you're pleasing everyone. 
And he assumes that role 
To such renown. 
He plays a perfect part, 
Straight from his heart 
Knowing the risk he takes 
And hoping that the house 
Is not brought down. 

The role of a lifetime, it's living a fantasy. 
A drama that you struggle to erase. 
Thoughts battle words over deeds 
A war with such casualties. 
All played out behind a smiling face. 

God I need your guidance 
Tell me what it means 
To live a life where nothings as it seems. 
Spending days in silent fear, 
And spending nights in lonely prayer. 
Hoping that one day when you wake, 
Those feelings won't be there. 

So confused because I feel complete with him.
When we're alone it all somehow makes sense
Look into his eyes for some compromise 
Remember the word, forget 
And try to bury something so intense. 

You learn to play the straight man, 
Your lines become routine. 
Never really saying what you mean. 
But I know the scene will change, 
White picket fences, and a dog, 
A trophy bride, and children. 
God I know that's what he wants 
But Jason what role do I play, 
Am I a savior or a phase? 
Am I here to damn you? 
Or to help you navigate this maze. 
Where confusion is a crime, 
So you fill your life with sound, 
And if you dance like hell, 
You hope you never touch the ground. 
What happens when the music stops? 
In the silence will he stay? 
One day he'll realize that these feelings 
aren't going away, 
So we drive ourselves insane, 
Spinning circles in our souls, 
As we dance around and play pretend. 
And once again, 
Reprise our roles.

Why does my family hate me so much? I used to think this was just bullshit teenager stuff and I was overreacting but I really need to know what is so wrong with my existence.

"And I won't feel a thing."

Love me like you say you do. 

Nothings gonna harm you;

Not while I'm around. 

 "

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming."

-Rachel C. Lewis, Tell People That You Love Them

I like him. I like him a lot. 

But I have no idea sometimes. He likes girls. He really likes girls. So I find it hard to believe that he likes me as much as he says he does. 

He scares me too much, I guess. I'm afraid that I'll start believing what he says;  that I'll believe that he loves me. But the minute I do, I'm gonna get dropped. And forgotten. 

Here in a couple weeks, I'm going lose a shit ton of people. A shit ton of people that I need to stay. People that I don't know what I am going to do without them. The only people who have kept me from making terrible choices. And I can't afford to lose them and him.

I can't do that. 

Death.

I've gotten to that point again. That point where I hate everything and I can't help it. I can't stand people I love, and I hate myself even more. I walk in a room and can only think about how I could die. If I choked on the food I'm eating, if someone around me has a gun, if I get hit by a car, if I just pass out and don't wake up. All I can think about is death. And it's not even just for me. My head tortures me with nightmares of friends and family dying. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do anything. All I am is hate. That's it. 

And I can't fucking do anything about it. 

You know what sucks?

Being so in love with something, but not having the talent to do it. 

If I could sing at all, I would. But, I can't. And I hate myself every day for it. 

I fucking hate you, solo fest. This is what you get when you make a non-singer do a song that's completely out of her range