Dead

I want to kill myself. I do. And I have to scream and cry on my bedroom floor so I don't do it. I hate my brother. I hate my mom. I hate my dad. I'm incapable of loving any of them. I hate my family and j hate myself. 

Senior Year

Depressed and suicidal, waiting for my only comfort to leave 

Numb

I don't feel anything.

I don't love theatre anymore. I've quit it completely without really much regret even though I say differently. 

I love Jack, but sometimes I don't care about the things I'm saying to him

I don't feel happy for anyone for anything good that happens to them 

I have no friends because of all of the things I've figured out about them

I'm going to a college I said that I never would and I'm completely indifferent 

What the fuck have I become? 

The return of the hate.

I was going really well without this blog for a couple months.  

But, it's back. I hate myself. I've hated myself so much that there's no more of me to love. I'll just keep a record on here so people know why I'm gone if something were to.. happen. 

I am so in love with you. 

Christopher Jacobs

You're always going to be that boy. 

The boy that is my best friend and will be through anything, no matter what I say. We've been through a lot and I'm surprised we are still as close as we are. You're always going to be that boy that liked me every summer when we were little. You're always going to be that boy that tries to boost my self esteem. You're always going to be that boy that I warn that I'm on my period and you're extra nice to me the whole day because you know how I get. You're always going to be that boy who doesn't let other people's opinions of anyone affect your's. You're always going to the boy I get in trouble with my boyfriend for talking to too much.

 You're always going to be CJ. And I love you so much for that. 

He asked for them.. 

What? You're not like that. 

Should have fucking offed myself when I had the fucking chase. 

Woe is me.

I have everything, 

Why do I feel so empty? 

Dating. 

Weird

Tori.

We can't wait for her to die. She never had kids, she never got married, she left no mark on this world.

"Victoria, let go. It's okay to go." 

Maybe, now that she's dying, we won't have to visit this stupid home anymore. I've been here too long if she's not gonna die tonight. Well, call me and let me know. I'm going home. 

Everyone exits. Close up on the girl in the bed that could hear everything. Weeping silently begging God to take her back. 

But then again, this world didn't want her, why would you want her back? 

Evelyn.

We neglected her. Because she didn't have children to take care of her, her nieces and nephews felt obligated. She's always been old, since I've know her. She knew death was approaching it. And she wanted it. She wanted it so bad because we couldn't make her feel loved enough. She always thought she was the ugly one. She always thought she was a burden. And now, she's laying on her fucking death bed and all you guys can talk about is how this is such a bad time for it to happen because you're busy. Are you fucking kidding me? You're too busy for Evelyn? The sweetest, saddest girl on the planet? She told my mom she just wanted to die a couple of years ago. And my mom told her to pray. She told her to pray to God about whether or not He wanted her to go or not. And you know what? He didn't answer her. And you know what fucking sucks? When people tell you to pray to God and he doesn't give you a reply. Because that makes you feel pretty damn lonely. Not even God wanted to talk to you. You felt like family didn't love you, you felt like the ugly one, and you felt like the burden. And all you had was God. And you couldn't see him. You couldn't hear him. He wasn't there. What the fuck. Evelyn, I care about you. I think you're beautiful. At this point, dying might be best for you. I know you've never liked being in assisted living places. I want you to go and not feel the pain anymore. Just, please. Do it peacefully. You're gonna leave me in a couple days. Maybe a couple hours. I don't know. But I want you to know that even if you think nobody cared about you, I love you. I always have and I always will. Everything's going to be okay. 

Everything. 

I'm just clingy and insecure. 

I'm gonna get the title, but other girls are winning over me. 

And for some reason, I'm letting that be okay. 

Last night.

I love you. And you make me so happy. 

Nothing is more painful than coming home. 

I'm gonna give my kids a dad that gives a fuck about them. 

"Let's never fight like that again." - You. 

You left, not me. 

My love.

He picked me up from a baseball game to go to our friends graduation party. I was wearing my ugly jeans, a huge hoodie, my hair looked terrible and I was soaked from standing outside at my brother's baseball game. I got in his car and pathetically said "woohoo." He was silent, so I looked over at him. 

"You're beautiful," he said cracking a smile, "I love you."  

And that's when I believed that he really thought so. The first person I have believed since Ethan. I don't know what happened within these past couple weeks, but I have never been happier. 

My favorite thing my mother has ever said to me.

"My baby Walker is going to be a sophomore!" 

"Mom, why are you crying? I'm going to be a senior. Cry about that." 

"But you've got big plans. High school is just holding you back. You have to get out of here." 

Read Through

Stereotypical High School Girl Post

I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I'm so glad it did . We called things off on a Sunday, but by that Saturday, we had made up. And we have been so different since. I could not be happier. This is the you that I wanted to see. And I get to see it all the time. 

I love you. And when I say that, it makes me think that every other time I have said it, it hasn't meant anything close to what it does now. 

That, my friends, is the greatest feeling in the world. 

People stopped giving a shit about me a long time ago. 

I guess I just needed something stronger than those pills. 

Michael Duncan

May 30th, 2012

Michael Duncan's first day of Bath House. 

Believe it or not, Michael was nervous as hell. It was Lucky Duck auditions. Jo was the first person to ever believe in me, and that meant everything and more to me. So, I would do whatever it would take to impress her. I felt awesome everytime she asked me to lead warm ups, and that day, I did so proudly. We got in a circle and played a game that required us all to put our arms around each other and Michael did not like that at all. We kept playing the game with the people next to him having their arms to the side. And I'll never forget how quiet he was because, well, that's not a common thing. I am a very touchy person.. A very, VERY touchy person. And that bothered me. A lot. It shouldn't, but it did. And thank God it did. Because I walked across the circle, put michaels arm around me, and moved my hand around in circles on his back and told him 

"Babe, bath house Is gonna be fun. But.. You have to give it a chance." 

Ever since that day, Michael has been Michael. And it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

One step at a time

It's taken a year, but we're ready. He's hanging out with my family in about two weeks and we're gonna try after that. I'm incredibly nervous. But at the same time, I'm not. This is what we both want. Should have probably done this a long time ago.

I'm breathing on my own. 

I am breathing. On my own. 

The end of my finger tips and pen belong do the scarier side of my existence that you don't want to know 

I love you too.

"Radzie, can I have a hug?"

"Tori, thank you so much." 

Funny how a stupid tweet can fix it. 

Fuck you, you narcissistic asshole. How could you think you were so good? You're an untalented, ugly, piece of shit. I hate you so much. I hate you more than I can put into words. I can't stand being around you anymore, you've turned into somebody that i don't know. I hate you. You're such a hypocritical bitch, too. I don't know why you think you're so special. You think all these people love when everyone really just hates you. Everyone. And I've tried to tell you that's thousand times, but you didn't want to listen. Because you're so fucking stupid, you're in this situation now. You can try to fix it all you want, but nothing's going to change. You're a fuck up. Deep down, you've always known. But, I'm here to tell you that you should have trusted your instincts, you piece of shit. Fuck you. 

A letter to myself. 

I never realize how much I like him until he's gone. 

i never payed much attention to abandoned buildings until i became one

Looking For Alaska

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinkin that if people were rain, I was a drizzle and she was a hurricane." 

"Their relationship consists in discussing if it existed." -Thom Gunn

The Talk

If you want to talk to me about it, talk to me about it.

Because you avoiding the topic is getting old. And, for your information: Just because I don't bring it up, doesn't mean I was lying.

You know, I always get accused of that. And I promise you that I am not. I leave things out, but am I really supposed to tell you everything when I know that you are going to act like this?

Making jokes about suicide and complaining to everyone that you got a daughter that you didn't want is getting old.

We can talk about fun things. Like how i would cut myself so much that my entire wrist was red and scratched and Walker was the only person to notice.

But, it could be more fun if we break out my collections of suicide notes. Those are fun to talk about. Let's do it over dinner to reminisce about this life i would give anything to forget about.

Well, the joke is on you. I'm finally at the point that I am just living to die. I have officially gotten out of my stupid phase of thinking I was different. I'm not. I wasn't meant to be here. Not here. Not now.

Someone told me that God didn't make any mistakes. But, that's not true.

They just haven't found me yet.

I want my parents to be at my funeral. 

Jackson.

You fuckhead. 

What doesn't kill you keeps you up at night wishing that it had. 

Role of a Lifetime

Everything's an act, 
When you're pleasing everyone. 
And he assumes that role 
To such renown. 
He plays a perfect part, 
Straight from his heart 
Knowing the risk he takes 
And hoping that the house 
Is not brought down. 

The role of a lifetime, it's living a fantasy. 
A drama that you struggle to erase. 
Thoughts battle words over deeds 
A war with such casualties. 
All played out behind a smiling face. 

God I need your guidance 
Tell me what it means 
To live a life where nothings as it seems. 
Spending days in silent fear, 
And spending nights in lonely prayer. 
Hoping that one day when you wake, 
Those feelings won't be there. 

So confused because I feel complete with him.
When we're alone it all somehow makes sense
Look into his eyes for some compromise 
Remember the word, forget 
And try to bury something so intense. 

You learn to play the straight man, 
Your lines become routine. 
Never really saying what you mean. 
But I know the scene will change, 
White picket fences, and a dog, 
A trophy bride, and children. 
God I know that's what he wants 
But Jason what role do I play, 
Am I a savior or a phase? 
Am I here to damn you? 
Or to help you navigate this maze. 
Where confusion is a crime, 
So you fill your life with sound, 
And if you dance like hell, 
You hope you never touch the ground. 
What happens when the music stops? 
In the silence will he stay? 
One day he'll realize that these feelings 
aren't going away, 
So we drive ourselves insane, 
Spinning circles in our souls, 
As we dance around and play pretend. 
And once again, 
Reprise our roles.

Why does my family hate me so much? I used to think this was just bullshit teenager stuff and I was overreacting but I really need to know what is so wrong with my existence.

"And I won't feel a thing."

Love me like you say you do. 

Nothings gonna harm you;

Not while I'm around. 

 "

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.

Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.

Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.

But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.

And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.

We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.

We never know when the bus is coming."

-Rachel C. Lewis, Tell People That You Love Them

I like him. I like him a lot. 

But I have no idea sometimes. He likes girls. He really likes girls. So I find it hard to believe that he likes me as much as he says he does. 

He scares me too much, I guess. I'm afraid that I'll start believing what he says;  that I'll believe that he loves me. But the minute I do, I'm gonna get dropped. And forgotten. 

Here in a couple weeks, I'm going lose a shit ton of people. A shit ton of people that I need to stay. People that I don't know what I am going to do without them. The only people who have kept me from making terrible choices. And I can't afford to lose them and him.

I can't do that. 

Death.

I've gotten to that point again. That point where I hate everything and I can't help it. I can't stand people I love, and I hate myself even more. I walk in a room and can only think about how I could die. If I choked on the food I'm eating, if someone around me has a gun, if I get hit by a car, if I just pass out and don't wake up. All I can think about is death. And it's not even just for me. My head tortures me with nightmares of friends and family dying. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do anything. All I am is hate. That's it. 

And I can't fucking do anything about it. 

You know what sucks?

Being so in love with something, but not having the talent to do it. 

If I could sing at all, I would. But, I can't. And I hate myself every day for it. 

I fucking hate you, solo fest. This is what you get when you make a non-singer do a song that's completely out of her range 

Ethan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8oufWHrKKk

This boy.

This boy right here impacted my life in ways he will never understand. Before him, theatre was just something I did for fun. He made it mean so much to me. He made it mean everything to me. I love him so much and could never thank him enough.

All I want is to make him proud. And i want to prove to him that I can do all the things he thinks I can.

Just lying here. 

Thinking of life and death and how neither one appeals to me. 

"Tori you are the single most amazing individual I've ever known ever. You're smart funny beautiful talented and the list goes on. I would spend seven years locked in a box with no way out if and only if I got to spend it with you. You bring out the best in me. You make me want to be a better actor. You make me want to live up to an impossibly high standard. You have no idea what feelings poke through me every time your name pops up on my phone. You're the last person in the world who deserves to feel what you're feeling. And I hope with everything I am and can that I can help in some way."

"I don't think I can live up to that."

"You don't have to live up to it. You were that way from the day I met you. When we went into the back of the shop, read our scene and you complimented me on my acting. Who would have guessed that girl would mean so much to me? It doesn't matter why I feel this way cause I do. So get over it and get used to it cause it's not going away."

"I love you, Jackson." 

"I love you Tori. I never wanted to have to say that over a text. But look at that. I did. I love you in a way I have never loved anyone" 

I used to use a muse

for inspiration, and

dreams for motivation, but

you're too real

to pretend.

Let me be direct:

We can do anything next.

Perspective

I really like people when they're tired.

I really like people when they're pissed off.

I really like people when they're sad.

I really like people when they're excited.

I really like people when they take off that stupid mask of theirs.

I have been around way too many fake people lately. It's really getting to me. I used to be one of the most trusting people. Now, I only trust a handful of people. Fake. Bleh. Give me the upset and the tired and the angry and the disappointed. Those are the emotional states where the "real" part of us comes out. And I want to see that. I like you. I am friends with you. Not this thing you've become. Bring back the late night phone calls. Bring back the "just checking in" text. Bring back the heart to hearts. 

Bring back my friend. Because I miss you.

The End.

I tried to do it again last night. 

I couldn't help it. And the worst part is that I don't regret it yet. 

I grew up in a house with people that can come across as a very loving, typical family. You've got the dad trying to live through his children, the mom that just comes home, cleans, and keeps her mouth shut, the teenage girl who thinks she'd be happy anywhere but here, the boy that is letting his dad live through him, the 7 year old genius, and the cute little girl. But little do people know that the dad is verbally abusive and sometimes physically but thinks it's justified, the mom who tries to speak her mind and is always screamed at until she  has to keep her mouth shut, the boy letting his father live through him literally could not care less about the way he's being forced to live his life and is becoming incredibly hard to be around, and the teenage girl would rather end it then be around it anymore. 

These past couple days have made me realize how completely and totally worthless my existence is. I'm a fat, unattractive teenager that can't figure out her place in this stupid town. 

The way my family talks about me, too. They talk like I'm a horrible kid and they would do anything to get rid of me. I'm just some huge disappointment. Something I can't fucking fix.

I have more respect for the people that hate me now.  They had a damn good reason that I was too fucking stupid to understand. I used to believe that people cared about me. People forget that people tell me what people say behind my back. They think I have no clue. But I do. And it makes me feel like shit. But I brought it on myself, i guess.

Waking up hurts. It physically hurts to wake up and have to pretend that nothing's wrong. And I feel so incredibly selfish for thinking I deserve a break. I hate myself and I hate this person I've become. 

I'm not going to do anything about it anytime soon, but I still can't stop thinking about it.

I'm sorry. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfNVfiqKBeM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpOSxM0rNPM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSQFjtszBYg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJOzdLwvTHA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPUJIbXN0WY&list=RDHCeIGf6EPKCTU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGdGFtwCNBE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1tAYmMjLdY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY9b6jgbNyc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ASJBXu8tNo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQuVudn1-RE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2mJpQSkae8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBumgq5yVrA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0LNhIaGAUw

Serenade me with your indifference. 

One day.

I want to be the pretty one. For a change, I want to be the girl that the guys want and aren't just asking about my friends. I'm not seen as pretty. I'm not seen as special. I'm just there. I want that one time where I feel prettier than someone in the room. One time. That's all I'm asking. I want to feel pretty and liked for just a little bit. That's all I need. 

Give me a good night's sleep and a smile that lasts more than a day. 

Astonishing.

Here I go. 

Bible

I hate when people get mad at people for taking words from the bible "out of context" but they are the ones who quote the "good" quotes on Facebook when they don't know the context.

So I'm reading the bible. I'm highlighting shit and I'm ready to have a great argument with madden by next year. 

Him: "Ok. This is it. This is the god honest truth, no lies, no games, no fibs. I like you. Only you. I would spend every waking moment with you if allowed. I do not like her. Whether or not I did, you meant more to me when we were "off" than she did when I liked her. Case in point, you are the reason I do not like her anymore. You are special. You are strange and new and unique and I would do nothing to jeopardize you or put you in that situation. You deserve more. You deserve more than me and I deserve less than you. Yet somehow we make that work and I don't want to give that up."

_____________________________

Me: "What's wrong?"

Him: "I was trying to ask you the same. I'm rather messed up to be honest, I'm really concerned."

Me: "What do you mean?"

Him: "About what's going on with you. I really don't want you to think ill of me, and you'll say you don't but then some nameless trustworthy person says something to make you question me. When I said Ashley wasn't a reliable source, it was more the content than the person I was referring to. If it's not true coming from her, it's no more true coming from someone else. I'm not that guy, and what I'm really concerned about it whether or not you believe me."

_________________________________

Him: "If I really wanted someone else, can you tell me why on earth I would still be hanging on to you?"

Me: "That's what doesn't make sense." 

Him:"Exactly. You are the single greatest thing that has ever come into my life. I would rather see you once every two weeks than see anyone here every day. I would sit in solitude for two weeks if it meant that at the end I could see you. You don't seem to get how much you actually mean to me, and while I'm flirtatious by nature, I have no interest in anyone other than you. You are funny, smart, beautiful, insanely talented and the most caring individual I know. You'd have to drill a hole in my head to make me want to ever give you up for someone less."

Him: "You are the person that is on my mind the whole day though. Not just anyone gets to be that special."

_______________________________

Him: "I don't know why you don't see yourself the way that I do. It kills me. There's nothing you can do to stop it from bothering me. Save realizing how great you are." 

But there are worse things I could do.

That's what you get when you start to think that you're special... Heartbroken. 

Channeling Sutton.

No more of this  negative bullshit. 

LETS GO. 

Tonight, I watched every video of Sutton Foster on YouTube. I got completely inspired to go through and fix everything that I've been doing wrong. I can do this. 

Just imagine me. Watching sutton, drinking tea, and crying my eyes out over her perfection. Writing all over notecards what i can fix, blocking changes (sorry rad you know I do my own blocking), and lyric changes I found interesting. Tonight was the perfect night. I can do this. I've totally got this. 

Now, I just need my voice back... But then I'm golden. 

"Deep within me something flickers in the fire and makes me certain that I'll never give up and never tire. I do believe in all that I desire. But most of all, I yearn to be astonishing." 

"Are they flaws if I'm in love with them?" 

Pet Peeves

-I hate when people call "plays" "musicals."

-I hate when people call me Victoria.

-I hate when I find out just how many people have lied to me when it makes me wonder who else has. 

-I hate when people act like their best friends with people they hate.

-I hate when people don't make eye contact on stage. 

-I hate when people give advice but don't take advice 

  -(it's one thing to not take advice and it's another to only accept certain peoples) 

-I hate when ..my father.

-I hate when somebody reads things I write without permission.

-I hate when people seriously judge people for what they love or do. 

-I hate when people do things that can ruin their lives for attention.

-I hate that my parents don't let me have people over 

-I hate when religion is shoved down my throat. 

-I hate being told I'm off pitch. I FUCKING KNOW. IM TRYING.

-I hate that I can't trust that people like me and find it hard to believe that anyone could. 

-I hate being as young as I am and as old as I'm getting. 

-I hate when people are only friends witg people when they want something. 

-I hate that people tell me everything so I know everyone's feelings toward each other and I have to watch them all be "friends" with each other. 

-I hate the sophomore girls this year. 

-I hate when someone is different in real life than over text.

-I hate that I lost everyone I was friends with from catholic schools when we got to high school. 

-I hate when people smoke around other people

-I hate Mr or Mrs labels. I really hate them. That's why all my teachers are called by their last name from me. I really just don't like it 

-I hate when people only use people to vent or brag. 

-I hate when people judge gay people.

-I hate when people are different people around different people.

And if you don't like me, as I do you;

 I understand.

Because who would pick a daisy in a field of roses?

My Greatest Mistake.

"I can't write. I can't do anything really. You're right. In the past, I could always come up with something. I was always so good at that." 

 I don't belong here. But I also don't belong where I thought I would.  I've spent years trying to learn as much as I can about theatre. I found out that I am very much in love with musical chorus work, so Sally let's me have free dance lessons. I'm the only one she let's do that.. She told me it's because she has faith in me. She thinks I could be one of the few to get out of this place and be something better than even I could imagine. But, I have many doubts now. Jo, Sally, and Nancy tried so hard. They gave me voice, acting,and dance. And the worst part is... I don't see an improvement.

See, my problem is, what if I'm wasting my time? No, doing theatre that I love is not wasting my time. But, that's all I've focused on. I just do my homework really quickly so I can get to rehearsal and I don't retain any of it. So, basically, I don't know anything. I'm worried that the "theatre" that I am in love with is just the small community theaters in To-puke-a. I never thought I was that great anyway, but I always thought I had smart solutions. I love theatre. I love it so much. But I don't think i can do it.

"But the mundane sets in; We play by the rules and plow through the days." 

The present.

I hate parents in general. And I think it's because of how terrible mine are. My mom is nice. But, she has so many problems and it makes it hard to talk to her. I love her so much. And could lose her at any minute. 

My father. Oh gosh. The worst thing that has ever happened to me. My least favorite person in the entire world. The source of my issues. The reason I have 4 attempted suicides. I hate him. It hurts to talk about how much I hate him. He treats everyone in my family like shit and I  have been willing to do anything to escape it. 

 I cling to Hunter and Ethan because I need someone to tell me that I'm good and have a reason to be here. I have Gabby and Kiley to put a smile on my face. I have Jackson to make me feel like I'm worth something and can be loved by someone. 

If it weren't for these people, I'd be gone. 

I would not be here. I'd be long gone and forgotten  by now. 

"Don't forget the songs that made you cry 

And the songs that saved your life.

Yes, you're older now, 

And you're a clever swine.

But they were the only ones who ever stayed by your side." 

You don't have to hate me. I hate myself enough for everyone.

John: I want you. I've liked u since u were a freshman and every year I've only liked u more. No one feels like they deserve to be happy. For example, I don't know why someone like u even gives me a second thought. But for whatever reason you did/do and I'm not going to question why. I dont question beautiful music or a sunset either. I'm content with enjoying it. I'm damaged Tori. We all are. But the point is you make me feel less broken.

Jackson: I'm not saying you can't talk to him, don't get me wrong. It's just whenever we hang out and there's another person there, it becomes you hanging out with them and enjoying their company. I don't know. I'm needy and high maintenance. I've said it all, I just don't want what's happened literally every other time we've had the opportunity see each other to happen again. Cause you also hardly look at me, I always have to talk to you first, and someone else always has to be drawn into our conversations. Look, I'm sorry to be so picky. You have friends, I'm just the newest one, I can't be the only one. But this matters to me. You matter to me. A lot. And I hate feeling like every time we see each other I don't really see you at all. 

2/5/14

And just like that, I feel nothing. 

If I could be anyone but myself, I would. Love doesn't live here. Love for oneself nor anybody else. 

Shameful tears in a dressing room.

I hate myself. I hate absolutely everything about myself.

I can't even look in the mirror. I don't want to see my wide shoulders with my fat arms and my fat thighs topped off with my ugly face. I can't do it. This is so frustrating. Everyone always looks so beautiful on the night of prom and for some reason, I'm the one exception. 

Fuck up.

My entire life, I've considered myself an actor. 

Not a singer or a dancer, but an actor.

But ever since I was little, I've been a favorite at the theaters I was auditioning at. I've played decent parts and loved them. 

I love theatre for many reasons. 

I've met some amazing people. 

I got jobs teaching children the magic of it.

I've been lucky enough to have been prepared If I want to go into the real world with it. 

If you asked me two years ago what I wanted to do with my life, I would have told you musical theatre. I started taking dance and voice lessons with the best to try and make myself magically better. Well, I'm not. I still suck. But I'm having fun while doing it, so whatever. But anyway, I would have told you musical theatre. But, now, I would tell you "stage manager" "director" and the most famous one right now, "casting director." 

Why? Every ounce of confidence that I have had is gone. It all started with Wong. Rad gave me a big part in our fall show and I did terrible. Normally with a terrible show, people try to find ways to make it funny. But I couldn't. I tried, and failed. Then came Bernadette where I was a character with 17 lines and STILL managed to have Rad not happy with what I was doing with it. Then came this summer. Let's just say, I'm not good. Then came shrek and I had never felt better about anything in my entire life. I had fun with it, but at the watch party I noticed I just looked ridiculous instead of funny. Then came scapino. Perfect example of favorites coming into play and me being super shitty in a role I didn't deserve. Then came Amish Project. And that's where I was totally shocked and impressed with myself. But, again, looking back, I realize it's the script that everyone was impressed with, not me. So I can try to take all the credit for the tears and the hugs afterwards, but I can't. Because it wasn't me. And now, here I am. Playing my dream role. And I have no fucking clue as to what I am doing. I can't belt, let alone sing. I can't figure out how to say these cheesy lines. I don't interact with the other people well on stage. 

Let's just give it to Darria and I'll do costumes. Because she'd do 10 times better and I don't want to do this anymore. 

It's no longer a dream come true, it's a nightmare. 

Life Goal.

I have one life goal and one saying that reminds me where I want to go. 

Life goal: To not be my parents.

Saying: "Keep your small life in the big city. Give me a big life in a small town." 

I refuse to be my parents. To get married right out of high school and go to college and major in something that I don't think I'll even do anything with. Then take that major, finish college, decide I hate it, go get a job at a casino or go back to college to do something else. And on top of that, having dreams to go far away and then stay in Topeka. I don't get it. Going from wanting to be a police officer and the head of a big charity to working in an office and being a respiratory therapist. To keep having kids when you can handle the one you already had. To not want friends or even other family members in your home. To do jobs that you hate and go day after day telling yourself that you're going to get out of it, but end up staying another 10+ years. I want something out of my life. 

Not that. 

I wish I..

I wish I wasn't so fat. 

I wish i didn't have a weird chin. 

I wish I didn't have huge cheeks. 

I wish I had better eyelashes. 

I wish I didn't have ugly eyebrows. 

I wish I had better clothes. 

I wish I had better hair.

I wish I didn't have man shoulders.

I wish I had clearer skin.

I wish I wasn't so white. 

I wish I was funny. 

I wish I was smart. 

I wish I didn't have braces.

I wish I knew how to talk to guys.

I wish I wasn't the ugliest person I knew. 

I wish I had bigger boobs. 

I wish I had a religion. 

I wish I was a better writer. 

I wish I wasn't so insecure. 

I wish I wasn't such a mess.

I wish I had more friends.

I wish I knew what I was doing.

I wish I didn't just get used all the time.

I wish I had a smaller nose. 

I wish I had smaller feet.

I wish I had a smaller head. 

I wish I could sing better. 

I wish I could act better.

I wish I wasn't annoying. 

I wish I could find something I was good at. 

I wish more guys liked me.

I wish I was better looking. 

I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel.

I wish he and I weren't just make out buddies. 

I wish I wasn't jealous of everyone and everything. 

I wish i knew what the hell I was doing. 

I wish I was anyone else in the world except myself. 

Car Rides With Mom

Went to KC with the family today, got back, then immediately went back to KC with my mother.  My mother and I are really close, but it hasn't really been like that lately since she decided to take my dad's side with everything and I wasn't gonna play that game. But we had a good car ride home and this is what came out of it.

We started the car ride out with talking about my weekend. That's not really something I want to discuss right now, but I'm glad she expressed interest. We talked about it and she gave me advice. And on top of this weekend, we talked about how AP didn't make it, which sucked.  

We then talked about religion and how I don't want to be catholic. She was totally cool with it. She thinks I'll find a religion and wants me to check out a Christian church sometime. Some of the things she said completely surprised me, but I'm so glad she said them. 

We then kind of talked about Jackson. He was brought up when my mom talked about how I will probably never get married and never have kids. Now, I have never told her that I won't but apparently I "strike [her] as that kind of person." No, I'm not planning on marrying Jackson, I just brought him up showing my mom that I'm interested in boys and wasn't scarred by Corbin. I also told my mom exactly why I wasn't dating him, and I haven't told anyone that except to her. 

We then talked about my future. She brought up a few of my friends that she doesn't really approve of, and she told me exactly why I shouldn't follow their current college plans. She then told me as long as I'm studying general theater, she'd be okay with it. But, she is disappointed a little because I can do anything. According to her. She doesn't believe me when I say that I can't, even though I think I know myself better than anyone right now. She thinks I'm never getting married, never having kids, and never coming back..

We'll see. 

Life.

I have always felt forgettable. After I die, I believe people will talk about me for a little bit, and the the subject of Tori  will die with me.

I always thought that if i killed myself, I have a better chance of being remembered. People would be pretending they loved me, but it's better than the awful things they say about me. "They" being the people who hate me but only know a few basic things about me. 

I want to make a difference. I want to be remembered for something awesome. I don't want to be forgotten. 

I want to invent something, I want to create something, I want to be something.  I get told all the time to have a backup plan. And I just want to yell "SHUT UP." Because I have a back up plan. I just don't want to talk about it. Because it's not what I want. I want what I want out of life and I'll be miserable with out it. It breaks my heart to see people immediately flee to their back up. Because that's like giving up. And giving up is a terrible, terrible thing. If there's a change of plan, that's different. But going into something knowing you're gonna be miserable is awful. 

I want to be remembered. 

I want to make an impact.

I want to be missed. 

I want to be the best that I can be. 

Secrets.

I hate secrets.

People know that they can, so they do, but I hate when people tell me secrets.

I won't tell.

I mean, yeah, some secrets get told to my best friend, but not extremely harmful ones.

People who think I tell them everything, are dead wrong.

Which is weird.

Because I thought I told everyone everything.

But looking at it tonight, I figured out that I really don't.

I'm big on not lying, because I suck at it.

I'm honest, so I can pick out when people lie fairly easily.

I'm observant, so I know exactly what people do.

I'm quiet around people I secretly hate, so they think they can trust me.

And I hate that.

I love knowing things so I'm not left wondering, but I still hate it at the same time.

I know something that you don't.

I know a lot of things that you don't.

And I so badly want to tell you.

But, trust.

That's the problem.

Religion.

"My religion is the Nicole Byer religion and it's 'Do whatever the fuck you want.'"

Gabberz dragged me to church yesterday and it made me realized that I do, indeed, not like religion. We got there, sat down, and nobody was really speaking. They were intent on praying. Praying prayers. I don't even think it's called praying when you're just saying words that you aren't even thinking about or know the meaning of, but whatever. Maybe it means something to someone. And then they would sit up, very reverent. Then, when it was time to sing the opening song, everybody stood, because they knew they were supposed to, and some people sang while others just stood there. Then, father did his thing. The opening prayer thing, then laughed. And started to introduce the people around him. Which I liked. The priest had guests, but at Christmas, the priest at MT introduced his alter servers which I thought was cool. BUT. Anyway, he laughed about it and I liked it. But he made a joke about how long he talks. And people complaining about it. I mean, I get it, complaining about how long the homilies are, but are you kidding me? Even with a long homily, mass is under an hour and fifteen minutes. You chose to go and you're gonna bitch about the homily? The homily is my favorite, but I'll get to that in a second. The first reading goes by and people recite the saying at the end, because they knew they were supposed to, and then the response. Which is hard to judge because, personally, I always judge the cantor during it. People seem to respond, because it's like reciting another prayer. Then the gospel comes. Nobody listens. They look at how long it is in the book and either roll their eyes because it's long or celebrate in their head because of how short it is. But they said the thing at the end, because they knew they were supposed to, then the homily. I both love and hate the homily. I love it because it's something different. The Catholic Church is comfortable because  it's universal. It's the same everywhere you go. Which, again, is comfortable. But what does anybody get out of it anymore? Not much. The homily is cool because the priest tells a joke and then they talk about the gospel. But the thing I hate about the homily is the rules from the bible they spit out. Which, again, I'll get to in a minute. The Eucharistic Prayer and all that jazz happens. And people sat and kneeled, because they knew they were supposed to, and then we went and got communion. Me getting communion is like me flipping off God according to the rules. But we all do it, we kneel, everyone sat when the priest sat, because they knew they were supposed to, and then mass is over after a closing prayer. Then the closing song started and a majority of the congregation, including myself, put their coat on instead of singing. Then everyone flooded out as fast as they could. 

I honestly get nothing out of it. And if people like it and it keeps them happy and it's truly their faith, I'm totally okay with it. I honestly want to believe in a religion. I believe there is a God and I think he wants us to not be assholes. I'm sorry but I feel like if God really did want us to go to church, he didn't want us to go through the same thing every week, boring people to death, and having people say words that really mean nothing to them because they know they're supposed to. I don't know if I believe the story of the 10 commandments but I believe that those are good rules to follow. But I can't wrap my head around it. And I wrap my head around a lot of bullshit. So. Hm.

The bible infuriates me. It's been "inspired", translated, and torn apart. People who have never read it quote it and criticize people who take things out of context. People don't take into account that some words meant different things back then and it pisses me off that we give up some rules but keep others. Like, it's completely understandable why we cut out the whole girl having to marry her rapist thing. But why keep gay marriage illegal? Gays fixing overpopulation, gays adopting orphans, gosh. They're necessary. I mean damn. Only let straight people get married because that's what's holy! Hey, that's also where gay people come from. Let's stop straight sex. It keeps popping out gays. 

I want a religion. I want something that makes me feel comfortable about being sad, lonely, and something that eventually makes me comfortable with death. Having God is fine. But not having a religion to tell you why you can stay calm kind of sucks. 

I used to like church because I didn't want to give up something I had been practicing my entire life. But I've seen nothing but shit. I haven't had the sane priest for more than 4 years at a time, the school I went to combined with another and all hell broke loose, and the "best Catholics" I have ever met are hypocritical assholes. 

I have so much more to say but I've been typing this for 45 minutes. 

"In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen."

The boy.

His name is Jackson. He's very, very weird. He has random facts nobody knows about or really cares about. He uses big words I don't understand. And I try really hard to convince myself that I'm not falling for him. He has the most beautiful blue eyes you will ever see. He has the biggest heart and would do anything for me. He's an amazing guy and an even better kisser. He makes me feel special. Which is something I've needed lately. Props to him for putting up with me. I've shot him down and led him on and he's still here. He's completely supportive and a wonderful, wonderful guy. This blog has no order because I'm just babbling about this guy. I'm pretty much crazy about him, but I can pretend all I want that I'm not.