Shameful tears in a dressing room.

I hate myself. I hate absolutely everything about myself.

I can't even look in the mirror. I don't want to see my wide shoulders with my fat arms and my fat thighs topped off with my ugly face. I can't do it. This is so frustrating. Everyone always looks so beautiful on the night of prom and for some reason, I'm the one exception. 

Fuck up.

My entire life, I've considered myself an actor. 

Not a singer or a dancer, but an actor.

But ever since I was little, I've been a favorite at the theaters I was auditioning at. I've played decent parts and loved them. 

I love theatre for many reasons. 

I've met some amazing people. 

I got jobs teaching children the magic of it.

I've been lucky enough to have been prepared If I want to go into the real world with it. 

If you asked me two years ago what I wanted to do with my life, I would have told you musical theatre. I started taking dance and voice lessons with the best to try and make myself magically better. Well, I'm not. I still suck. But I'm having fun while doing it, so whatever. But anyway, I would have told you musical theatre. But, now, I would tell you "stage manager" "director" and the most famous one right now, "casting director." 

Why? Every ounce of confidence that I have had is gone. It all started with Wong. Rad gave me a big part in our fall show and I did terrible. Normally with a terrible show, people try to find ways to make it funny. But I couldn't. I tried, and failed. Then came Bernadette where I was a character with 17 lines and STILL managed to have Rad not happy with what I was doing with it. Then came this summer. Let's just say, I'm not good. Then came shrek and I had never felt better about anything in my entire life. I had fun with it, but at the watch party I noticed I just looked ridiculous instead of funny. Then came scapino. Perfect example of favorites coming into play and me being super shitty in a role I didn't deserve. Then came Amish Project. And that's where I was totally shocked and impressed with myself. But, again, looking back, I realize it's the script that everyone was impressed with, not me. So I can try to take all the credit for the tears and the hugs afterwards, but I can't. Because it wasn't me. And now, here I am. Playing my dream role. And I have no fucking clue as to what I am doing. I can't belt, let alone sing. I can't figure out how to say these cheesy lines. I don't interact with the other people well on stage. 

Let's just give it to Darria and I'll do costumes. Because she'd do 10 times better and I don't want to do this anymore. 

It's no longer a dream come true, it's a nightmare. 

Life Goal.

I have one life goal and one saying that reminds me where I want to go. 

Life goal: To not be my parents.

Saying: "Keep your small life in the big city. Give me a big life in a small town." 

I refuse to be my parents. To get married right out of high school and go to college and major in something that I don't think I'll even do anything with. Then take that major, finish college, decide I hate it, go get a job at a casino or go back to college to do something else. And on top of that, having dreams to go far away and then stay in Topeka. I don't get it. Going from wanting to be a police officer and the head of a big charity to working in an office and being a respiratory therapist. To keep having kids when you can handle the one you already had. To not want friends or even other family members in your home. To do jobs that you hate and go day after day telling yourself that you're going to get out of it, but end up staying another 10+ years. I want something out of my life. 

Not that. 

I wish I..

I wish I wasn't so fat. 

I wish i didn't have a weird chin. 

I wish I didn't have huge cheeks. 

I wish I had better eyelashes. 

I wish I didn't have ugly eyebrows. 

I wish I had better clothes. 

I wish I had better hair.

I wish I didn't have man shoulders.

I wish I had clearer skin.

I wish I wasn't so white. 

I wish I was funny. 

I wish I was smart. 

I wish I didn't have braces.

I wish I knew how to talk to guys.

I wish I wasn't the ugliest person I knew. 

I wish I had bigger boobs. 

I wish I had a religion. 

I wish I was a better writer. 

I wish I wasn't so insecure. 

I wish I wasn't such a mess.

I wish I had more friends.

I wish I knew what I was doing.

I wish I didn't just get used all the time.

I wish I had a smaller nose. 

I wish I had smaller feet.

I wish I had a smaller head. 

I wish I could sing better. 

I wish I could act better.

I wish I wasn't annoying. 

I wish I could find something I was good at. 

I wish more guys liked me.

I wish I was better looking. 

I wish I could tell him exactly how I feel.

I wish he and I weren't just make out buddies. 

I wish I wasn't jealous of everyone and everything. 

I wish i knew what the hell I was doing. 

I wish I was anyone else in the world except myself. 

Car Rides With Mom

Went to KC with the family today, got back, then immediately went back to KC with my mother.  My mother and I are really close, but it hasn't really been like that lately since she decided to take my dad's side with everything and I wasn't gonna play that game. But we had a good car ride home and this is what came out of it.

We started the car ride out with talking about my weekend. That's not really something I want to discuss right now, but I'm glad she expressed interest. We talked about it and she gave me advice. And on top of this weekend, we talked about how AP didn't make it, which sucked.  

We then talked about religion and how I don't want to be catholic. She was totally cool with it. She thinks I'll find a religion and wants me to check out a Christian church sometime. Some of the things she said completely surprised me, but I'm so glad she said them. 

We then kind of talked about Jackson. He was brought up when my mom talked about how I will probably never get married and never have kids. Now, I have never told her that I won't but apparently I "strike [her] as that kind of person." No, I'm not planning on marrying Jackson, I just brought him up showing my mom that I'm interested in boys and wasn't scarred by Corbin. I also told my mom exactly why I wasn't dating him, and I haven't told anyone that except to her. 

We then talked about my future. She brought up a few of my friends that she doesn't really approve of, and she told me exactly why I shouldn't follow their current college plans. She then told me as long as I'm studying general theater, she'd be okay with it. But, she is disappointed a little because I can do anything. According to her. She doesn't believe me when I say that I can't, even though I think I know myself better than anyone right now. She thinks I'm never getting married, never having kids, and never coming back..

We'll see. 

Life.

I have always felt forgettable. After I die, I believe people will talk about me for a little bit, and the the subject of Tori  will die with me.

I always thought that if i killed myself, I have a better chance of being remembered. People would be pretending they loved me, but it's better than the awful things they say about me. "They" being the people who hate me but only know a few basic things about me. 

I want to make a difference. I want to be remembered for something awesome. I don't want to be forgotten. 

I want to invent something, I want to create something, I want to be something.  I get told all the time to have a backup plan. And I just want to yell "SHUT UP." Because I have a back up plan. I just don't want to talk about it. Because it's not what I want. I want what I want out of life and I'll be miserable with out it. It breaks my heart to see people immediately flee to their back up. Because that's like giving up. And giving up is a terrible, terrible thing. If there's a change of plan, that's different. But going into something knowing you're gonna be miserable is awful. 

I want to be remembered. 

I want to make an impact.

I want to be missed. 

I want to be the best that I can be. 

Secrets.

I hate secrets.

People know that they can, so they do, but I hate when people tell me secrets.

I won't tell.

I mean, yeah, some secrets get told to my best friend, but not extremely harmful ones.

People who think I tell them everything, are dead wrong.

Which is weird.

Because I thought I told everyone everything.

But looking at it tonight, I figured out that I really don't.

I'm big on not lying, because I suck at it.

I'm honest, so I can pick out when people lie fairly easily.

I'm observant, so I know exactly what people do.

I'm quiet around people I secretly hate, so they think they can trust me.

And I hate that.

I love knowing things so I'm not left wondering, but I still hate it at the same time.

I know something that you don't.

I know a lot of things that you don't.

And I so badly want to tell you.

But, trust.

That's the problem.

Religion.

"My religion is the Nicole Byer religion and it's 'Do whatever the fuck you want.'"

Gabberz dragged me to church yesterday and it made me realized that I do, indeed, not like religion. We got there, sat down, and nobody was really speaking. They were intent on praying. Praying prayers. I don't even think it's called praying when you're just saying words that you aren't even thinking about or know the meaning of, but whatever. Maybe it means something to someone. And then they would sit up, very reverent. Then, when it was time to sing the opening song, everybody stood, because they knew they were supposed to, and some people sang while others just stood there. Then, father did his thing. The opening prayer thing, then laughed. And started to introduce the people around him. Which I liked. The priest had guests, but at Christmas, the priest at MT introduced his alter servers which I thought was cool. BUT. Anyway, he laughed about it and I liked it. But he made a joke about how long he talks. And people complaining about it. I mean, I get it, complaining about how long the homilies are, but are you kidding me? Even with a long homily, mass is under an hour and fifteen minutes. You chose to go and you're gonna bitch about the homily? The homily is my favorite, but I'll get to that in a second. The first reading goes by and people recite the saying at the end, because they knew they were supposed to, and then the response. Which is hard to judge because, personally, I always judge the cantor during it. People seem to respond, because it's like reciting another prayer. Then the gospel comes. Nobody listens. They look at how long it is in the book and either roll their eyes because it's long or celebrate in their head because of how short it is. But they said the thing at the end, because they knew they were supposed to, then the homily. I both love and hate the homily. I love it because it's something different. The Catholic Church is comfortable because  it's universal. It's the same everywhere you go. Which, again, is comfortable. But what does anybody get out of it anymore? Not much. The homily is cool because the priest tells a joke and then they talk about the gospel. But the thing I hate about the homily is the rules from the bible they spit out. Which, again, I'll get to in a minute. The Eucharistic Prayer and all that jazz happens. And people sat and kneeled, because they knew they were supposed to, and then we went and got communion. Me getting communion is like me flipping off God according to the rules. But we all do it, we kneel, everyone sat when the priest sat, because they knew they were supposed to, and then mass is over after a closing prayer. Then the closing song started and a majority of the congregation, including myself, put their coat on instead of singing. Then everyone flooded out as fast as they could. 

I honestly get nothing out of it. And if people like it and it keeps them happy and it's truly their faith, I'm totally okay with it. I honestly want to believe in a religion. I believe there is a God and I think he wants us to not be assholes. I'm sorry but I feel like if God really did want us to go to church, he didn't want us to go through the same thing every week, boring people to death, and having people say words that really mean nothing to them because they know they're supposed to. I don't know if I believe the story of the 10 commandments but I believe that those are good rules to follow. But I can't wrap my head around it. And I wrap my head around a lot of bullshit. So. Hm.

The bible infuriates me. It's been "inspired", translated, and torn apart. People who have never read it quote it and criticize people who take things out of context. People don't take into account that some words meant different things back then and it pisses me off that we give up some rules but keep others. Like, it's completely understandable why we cut out the whole girl having to marry her rapist thing. But why keep gay marriage illegal? Gays fixing overpopulation, gays adopting orphans, gosh. They're necessary. I mean damn. Only let straight people get married because that's what's holy! Hey, that's also where gay people come from. Let's stop straight sex. It keeps popping out gays. 

I want a religion. I want something that makes me feel comfortable about being sad, lonely, and something that eventually makes me comfortable with death. Having God is fine. But not having a religion to tell you why you can stay calm kind of sucks. 

I used to like church because I didn't want to give up something I had been practicing my entire life. But I've seen nothing but shit. I haven't had the sane priest for more than 4 years at a time, the school I went to combined with another and all hell broke loose, and the "best Catholics" I have ever met are hypocritical assholes. 

I have so much more to say but I've been typing this for 45 minutes. 

"In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen."

The boy.

His name is Jackson. He's very, very weird. He has random facts nobody knows about or really cares about. He uses big words I don't understand. And I try really hard to convince myself that I'm not falling for him. He has the most beautiful blue eyes you will ever see. He has the biggest heart and would do anything for me. He's an amazing guy and an even better kisser. He makes me feel special. Which is something I've needed lately. Props to him for putting up with me. I've shot him down and led him on and he's still here. He's completely supportive and a wonderful, wonderful guy. This blog has no order because I'm just babbling about this guy. I'm pretty much crazy about him, but I can pretend all I want that I'm not.