Fuck up.

My entire life, I've considered myself an actor. 

Not a singer or a dancer, but an actor.

But ever since I was little, I've been a favorite at the theaters I was auditioning at. I've played decent parts and loved them. 

I love theatre for many reasons. 

I've met some amazing people. 

I got jobs teaching children the magic of it.

I've been lucky enough to have been prepared If I want to go into the real world with it. 

If you asked me two years ago what I wanted to do with my life, I would have told you musical theatre. I started taking dance and voice lessons with the best to try and make myself magically better. Well, I'm not. I still suck. But I'm having fun while doing it, so whatever. But anyway, I would have told you musical theatre. But, now, I would tell you "stage manager" "director" and the most famous one right now, "casting director." 

Why? Every ounce of confidence that I have had is gone. It all started with Wong. Rad gave me a big part in our fall show and I did terrible. Normally with a terrible show, people try to find ways to make it funny. But I couldn't. I tried, and failed. Then came Bernadette where I was a character with 17 lines and STILL managed to have Rad not happy with what I was doing with it. Then came this summer. Let's just say, I'm not good. Then came shrek and I had never felt better about anything in my entire life. I had fun with it, but at the watch party I noticed I just looked ridiculous instead of funny. Then came scapino. Perfect example of favorites coming into play and me being super shitty in a role I didn't deserve. Then came Amish Project. And that's where I was totally shocked and impressed with myself. But, again, looking back, I realize it's the script that everyone was impressed with, not me. So I can try to take all the credit for the tears and the hugs afterwards, but I can't. Because it wasn't me. And now, here I am. Playing my dream role. And I have no fucking clue as to what I am doing. I can't belt, let alone sing. I can't figure out how to say these cheesy lines. I don't interact with the other people well on stage. 

Let's just give it to Darria and I'll do costumes. Because she'd do 10 times better and I don't want to do this anymore. 

It's no longer a dream come true, it's a nightmare.