Gabberz dragged me to church yesterday and it made me realized that I do, indeed, not like religion. We got there, sat down, and nobody was really speaking. They were intent on praying. Praying prayers. I don't even think it's called praying when you're just saying words that you aren't even thinking about or know the meaning of, but whatever. Maybe it means something to someone. And then they would sit up, very reverent. Then, when it was time to sing the opening song, everybody stood, because they knew they were supposed to, and some people sang while others just stood there. Then, father did his thing. The opening prayer thing, then laughed. And started to introduce the people around him. Which I liked. The priest had guests, but at Christmas, the priest at MT introduced his alter servers which I thought was cool. BUT. Anyway, he laughed about it and I liked it. But he made a joke about how long he talks. And people complaining about it. I mean, I get it, complaining about how long the homilies are, but are you kidding me? Even with a long homily, mass is under an hour and fifteen minutes. You chose to go and you're gonna bitch about the homily? The homily is my favorite, but I'll get to that in a second. The first reading goes by and people recite the saying at the end, because they knew they were supposed to, and then the response. Which is hard to judge because, personally, I always judge the cantor during it. People seem to respond, because it's like reciting another prayer. Then the gospel comes. Nobody listens. They look at how long it is in the book and either roll their eyes because it's long or celebrate in their head because of how short it is. But they said the thing at the end, because they knew they were supposed to, then the homily. I both love and hate the homily. I love it because it's something different. The Catholic Church is comfortable because it's universal. It's the same everywhere you go. Which, again, is comfortable. But what does anybody get out of it anymore? Not much. The homily is cool because the priest tells a joke and then they talk about the gospel. But the thing I hate about the homily is the rules from the bible they spit out. Which, again, I'll get to in a minute. The Eucharistic Prayer and all that jazz happens. And people sat and kneeled, because they knew they were supposed to, and then we went and got communion. Me getting communion is like me flipping off God according to the rules. But we all do it, we kneel, everyone sat when the priest sat, because they knew they were supposed to, and then mass is over after a closing prayer. Then the closing song started and a majority of the congregation, including myself, put their coat on instead of singing. Then everyone flooded out as fast as they could.
I honestly get nothing out of it. And if people like it and it keeps them happy and it's truly their faith, I'm totally okay with it. I honestly want to believe in a religion. I believe there is a God and I think he wants us to not be assholes. I'm sorry but I feel like if God really did want us to go to church, he didn't want us to go through the same thing every week, boring people to death, and having people say words that really mean nothing to them because they know they're supposed to. I don't know if I believe the story of the 10 commandments but I believe that those are good rules to follow. But I can't wrap my head around it. And I wrap my head around a lot of bullshit. So. Hm.
The bible infuriates me. It's been "inspired", translated, and torn apart. People who have never read it quote it and criticize people who take things out of context. People don't take into account that some words meant different things back then and it pisses me off that we give up some rules but keep others. Like, it's completely understandable why we cut out the whole girl having to marry her rapist thing. But why keep gay marriage illegal? Gays fixing overpopulation, gays adopting orphans, gosh. They're necessary. I mean damn. Only let straight people get married because that's what's holy! Hey, that's also where gay people come from. Let's stop straight sex. It keeps popping out gays.
I want a religion. I want something that makes me feel comfortable about being sad, lonely, and something that eventually makes me comfortable with death. Having God is fine. But not having a religion to tell you why you can stay calm kind of sucks.
I used to like church because I didn't want to give up something I had been practicing my entire life. But I've seen nothing but shit. I haven't had the sane priest for more than 4 years at a time, the school I went to combined with another and all hell broke loose, and the "best Catholics" I have ever met are hypocritical assholes.
I have so much more to say but I've been typing this for 45 minutes.
"In the name of the father, and of the son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen."
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