But there are worse things I could do.

That's what you get when you start to think that you're special... Heartbroken. 

Channeling Sutton.

No more of this  negative bullshit. 

LETS GO. 

Tonight, I watched every video of Sutton Foster on YouTube. I got completely inspired to go through and fix everything that I've been doing wrong. I can do this. 

Just imagine me. Watching sutton, drinking tea, and crying my eyes out over her perfection. Writing all over notecards what i can fix, blocking changes (sorry rad you know I do my own blocking), and lyric changes I found interesting. Tonight was the perfect night. I can do this. I've totally got this. 

Now, I just need my voice back... But then I'm golden. 

"Deep within me something flickers in the fire and makes me certain that I'll never give up and never tire. I do believe in all that I desire. But most of all, I yearn to be astonishing." 

"Are they flaws if I'm in love with them?" 

Pet Peeves

-I hate when people call "plays" "musicals."

-I hate when people call me Victoria.

-I hate when I find out just how many people have lied to me when it makes me wonder who else has. 

-I hate when people act like their best friends with people they hate.

-I hate when people don't make eye contact on stage. 

-I hate when people give advice but don't take advice 

  -(it's one thing to not take advice and it's another to only accept certain peoples) 

-I hate when ..my father.

-I hate when somebody reads things I write without permission.

-I hate when people seriously judge people for what they love or do. 

-I hate when people do things that can ruin their lives for attention.

-I hate that my parents don't let me have people over 

-I hate when religion is shoved down my throat. 

-I hate being told I'm off pitch. I FUCKING KNOW. IM TRYING.

-I hate that I can't trust that people like me and find it hard to believe that anyone could. 

-I hate being as young as I am and as old as I'm getting. 

-I hate when people are only friends witg people when they want something. 

-I hate that people tell me everything so I know everyone's feelings toward each other and I have to watch them all be "friends" with each other. 

-I hate the sophomore girls this year. 

-I hate when someone is different in real life than over text.

-I hate that I lost everyone I was friends with from catholic schools when we got to high school. 

-I hate when people smoke around other people

-I hate Mr or Mrs labels. I really hate them. That's why all my teachers are called by their last name from me. I really just don't like it 

-I hate when people only use people to vent or brag. 

-I hate when people judge gay people.

-I hate when people are different people around different people.

And if you don't like me, as I do you;

 I understand.

Because who would pick a daisy in a field of roses?

My Greatest Mistake.

"I can't write. I can't do anything really. You're right. In the past, I could always come up with something. I was always so good at that." 

 I don't belong here. But I also don't belong where I thought I would.  I've spent years trying to learn as much as I can about theatre. I found out that I am very much in love with musical chorus work, so Sally let's me have free dance lessons. I'm the only one she let's do that.. She told me it's because she has faith in me. She thinks I could be one of the few to get out of this place and be something better than even I could imagine. But, I have many doubts now. Jo, Sally, and Nancy tried so hard. They gave me voice, acting,and dance. And the worst part is... I don't see an improvement.

See, my problem is, what if I'm wasting my time? No, doing theatre that I love is not wasting my time. But, that's all I've focused on. I just do my homework really quickly so I can get to rehearsal and I don't retain any of it. So, basically, I don't know anything. I'm worried that the "theatre" that I am in love with is just the small community theaters in To-puke-a. I never thought I was that great anyway, but I always thought I had smart solutions. I love theatre. I love it so much. But I don't think i can do it.

"But the mundane sets in; We play by the rules and plow through the days." 

The present.

I hate parents in general. And I think it's because of how terrible mine are. My mom is nice. But, she has so many problems and it makes it hard to talk to her. I love her so much. And could lose her at any minute. 

My father. Oh gosh. The worst thing that has ever happened to me. My least favorite person in the entire world. The source of my issues. The reason I have 4 attempted suicides. I hate him. It hurts to talk about how much I hate him. He treats everyone in my family like shit and I  have been willing to do anything to escape it. 

 I cling to Hunter and Ethan because I need someone to tell me that I'm good and have a reason to be here. I have Gabby and Kiley to put a smile on my face. I have Jackson to make me feel like I'm worth something and can be loved by someone. 

If it weren't for these people, I'd be gone. 

I would not be here. I'd be long gone and forgotten  by now. 

"Don't forget the songs that made you cry 

And the songs that saved your life.

Yes, you're older now, 

And you're a clever swine.

But they were the only ones who ever stayed by your side." 

You don't have to hate me. I hate myself enough for everyone.

John: I want you. I've liked u since u were a freshman and every year I've only liked u more. No one feels like they deserve to be happy. For example, I don't know why someone like u even gives me a second thought. But for whatever reason you did/do and I'm not going to question why. I dont question beautiful music or a sunset either. I'm content with enjoying it. I'm damaged Tori. We all are. But the point is you make me feel less broken.

Jackson: I'm not saying you can't talk to him, don't get me wrong. It's just whenever we hang out and there's another person there, it becomes you hanging out with them and enjoying their company. I don't know. I'm needy and high maintenance. I've said it all, I just don't want what's happened literally every other time we've had the opportunity see each other to happen again. Cause you also hardly look at me, I always have to talk to you first, and someone else always has to be drawn into our conversations. Look, I'm sorry to be so picky. You have friends, I'm just the newest one, I can't be the only one. But this matters to me. You matter to me. A lot. And I hate feeling like every time we see each other I don't really see you at all. 

2/5/14

And just like that, I feel nothing. 

If I could be anyone but myself, I would. Love doesn't live here. Love for oneself nor anybody else.